Sunday, February 9, 2020

Comment Wall

Read the story here


1935 "Dante's Inferno," movie poster (https://www.aliexpress.com/item/32844342605.html)








11 comments:

  1. Hi Brandon!

    I really enjoyed your introduction! My first suggestion would be to make your links look cleaner. Just like you can turn a word into a hyperlink on blogger you can do the same on Google Sites. Currently, you have the entire link listed for your sources and comment wall. It would look much better and user-friendly if you updated this. Let me know if you need any tips on how to do this!

    But overall, I thought the introduction was very descriptive and did a great job of setting up the future stories. Michael seems to be in a weird state with weird signs and I honestly can't wait to see what happens to him and Dana. The image of him attempting to move closer to her while she moved further away was almost terrifying. I felt for Michael and his troubles. Good luck on your future stories!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hey Brandon! I really like this version of Donte's Inferno because its so modernized! Its really spooky that cab driver is in on the whole things and he is transporting him! I can't wait to read more of this version because I feel like this is a scary movie of some kind. Good job!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hey Brandon!

    This story was a great introduction! I feel like I have an idea of the kind of person that Michael is without much description at all. He seems like a painfully average guy who is scared to take action. You were able to communicate all that by just the situation that he was in, waiting until the end of college to ask out a girl he has had a crush on for a long time. By getting this point across so quickly, you are able to focus more on the exposition of the plot and getting us ready for the stories to come in future weeks. I honestly did not expect the cab driver to be involved in the story at all more than simply driving Michael to the hospital. Also, I have no idea what kind of person Dana is yet, but given by the fact that she is going to hell I'm assuming when we finally meet her she is not going to be the most pleasant!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi Brandon!
    Your introduction is very intriguing. I think you were able to do a nice set up with the information you gave that allows there to be a nice cliff hanger. While Michael did give a brief history of how he knows Dana, she is so mysterious! We don't know why he likes her so much, or if he even has a chance with her. I like that!
    The introduction was brief and I liked that but I think that a little more backstory could be added during that transition between him getting in the car and him going unconscious. I think there is probably a way this can be done that doesn't unnecessarily prolong the introduction but also keeps the cliffhanger. How does the cab driver know Dana's name?? I have so many questions! I can't wait to read more!

    ReplyDelete
  5. i Brandon!

    I really liked your story. Good job! I love that it ended on a cliff hanger… It really makes me want to read more and figure out who this mysterious cab driver is and where Dana went!

    I would watch out for commas. It looks like you may be using them incorrectly in the manner that you sometimes include commas in awkward places and you forget to include them where one should be included. Example:

    The air felt alive as the cars zoomed by Michael, while he strutted down the busy New York streets to the local florist shop. This was no ordinary stop for Michael, though, as he was stopping for flowers because he was finally going to profess his love to his longtime crush Dana.

    Another option which might flow a little bit better is:

    The air felt alive as the cars zoomed by Michael while he strutted down the busy New York streets to the local florist shop. This was no ordinary stop for Michael. He was stopping for flowers because he was finally going to profess his love to his longtime crush, Dana.

    I hope this was helpful. I’ve struggled with commas for a long time now so I always have to re-look up how to use them appropriately before posting anything.

    Have a great semester!

    Tricia

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hey Brandon!

    This was a great introduction! It was suspenseful and left me wanting to read more! You did great with your use of detail at evoking the five senses. Not only could I picture your setting and story, I could feel certain aspects. This will be a great tool to utilize as you describe his future terrifying situations. The cab driver was also a good twist. Little did we know he wouldn't be driving him to the hospital...

    I don't know a lot about Dante's Inferno so I have no idea how your intro relates to that story. Some background info or a brief insight into the original story either in an author's note or on your home page may help readers like me understand the basis of your story. Other than that, I think your project is off to a great start. I look forward to reading your actual stories to see where this project goes.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hey Brandon!

    Wow! I didn't expect to read something like this when I clicked on the title. Your banner on the front page also made me think it was about something different, but I enjoyed being surprised! I hope he gets to Dana. He seems to be a sweet guy.

    Something about your page set up is distracting a reader to me. Perhaps if you integrate the images (and move the sources to the end of the page so they aren't as distracting) in the middle of the text, or to have one image on one side and the other image lower down on the other. Something to break it up.

    I also wish there was a little more explanation as to why our protagonist blacked out. It seemed a little random, and I couldn't tell if it was because of some kind of magic or he hyperventilated. If you could clear that up, that would be awesome! Good job!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hi Brandon. What an introduction!!!! I love that it was so vivid but I have no idea where things are going. Who is Michael? Where is Dana? What about the cab driver? And the place with the milky white clouds, what's up with that? And what happened to New York?!? Now on to Entering the Inferno. Wait, they're dead?!? And the Grim Reaper is named Johnny? Johnny? That's great! Line of the story -- "You should see how many Kennedy's came out tonight!" BRILLIANT!!! I also love the line "Pluto, or should I say Hades...," that's just too much fun. At this point I really want to know more about Johnny. Can we get some Johnny backstory or side stories? Doing your Author's Note as a separate page is an interesting idea. Generally I like those to go with each story but it really works here. What made you decided to give the Author's Note its own page? Overall this is an excellent project and I can't wait to see where it goes! Well done!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hey Brandon!
    I chose to come read your storybook as my free choice because I remembered the introduction leaving off in such a cliffhanger. I am so intrigued, I feel like I know enough, but it is still so mysterious. How did Michael die? Did him and Dana die together? I have so many questions. I like that Michael is so mysterious and we really don't know what he is feeling. I find it interesting that he is so trusting of the cab driver/Grim Reaper. You did a good job modernizing this story. I hope that we get to see some more character development at least with Michael. But at the same time I enjoy the mystery. I look forward to reading more!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hi Brandon!

    I LOVED this story!! I was on edge after your great cliffhanger in the introduction. I enjoyed how it literally just picked right back up where you left off. It felt like I was binge watching my favorite TV show. Your stories scream creativity and I know you put a lot of thought into them. The pop culture references and elaborate pictures you paint with your words are so engaging. You also have a great flow. The story reads quickly and, again, it really does feel like an episode of a show. My project is focused on Hades so the shout out to my guy at the end got me excited. I know he will probably be a very minor character, but I'm already looking forward to how you are going to depict him.

    The only thing I feel that is missing is some depth in Michael. He just seems very juvenile right now. We don't know a lot about him or his feelings, which very well may be the point, but it makes it difficult to like him... or even dislike him. He's just kinda there... for me at least. Some deeper insight into him, not just what he is experiencing currently (i.e. smells, car sickness, confusion, etc), could do a lot for character development and getting readers to really connect with him. Great job!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hey Brandon,
    Cool retelling of the seven circles of hell! I thought that switching Virgil for the Grim Reaper/ Johnny was a great choice (even the name Johnny makes the story much more palatable). I wish I knew a little bit more about Michael though. You do a good job of characterizing his reactions to hell in a way that gives subtle hints about his personality but I found myself wanting more! Is he super shy and innocent? Play that up by adding a slight studder if hes super nervous or embarrassed or something! Overall the story so far felt a little fast paced (which makes sense because you covered a lot), but you could help slow it down by adding a sentence of extra description here or there, which also makes the world much more colorful! Anyway, great start to your project and good luck with the rest of the semester!

    ReplyDelete